Moved back home to California.

A month later decided I was only taking a semester off and that I'd go back this fall.

Make plans to do so.

Get within reaching distance of said goal, then having it ripped away from me because Financial Aid sucks and I'm tired of working my ass off just to miserable. No. Fucking. More.

So, I'm staying here, in California.

Going to the community college sometime this coming week to get enrolled, and gonna start looking for a job.

A plus side-chances are I will be getting a car really soon. Which is awesome. And will probably make me stop hating it here, because whenever I'm with my friends, I WANT to stay here. The thing is, that happens so little that most of the time I'm really unhappy and depressed. But having a car will make it so that I can go see my friends whenever we're all free. So that'll be good.

I just really hope that things start looking better soon.

Also, my birthday is in like a week and a half and it would be awesome if I did something special with my friends or even just one person but I doubt that will happen. So yeah. ha.

I'm alone.

More alone then I've ever been.

And it's all my fault. I fucked everything up.

I have like..4 friends here.

Why the fuck did I ever move back?

Really, at least there I could drink and smoke and fuck.

Seriously, the only thing I wanna do right now is smoke a bowl, get drunk, have really good sex, and go to sleep.

But I can't. Cuz I dropped out of college like a dumbass.

I've been doing so good the last few days. Feeling happy and okay with myself for once.

But right now I just feel like absolute shit.

And since I can't do everything I mentioned above, I think I'm just gonna go cry myself to sleep.

Well...things have changed a lot since my last blog.

I'm tired of Missoula already, and this is only the third week of school.

I ditch class way more often then I go, it's ridiculous. I've never skipped this much, not even when the weather is warm and sunny out.

I'm sick of school. Like, really really sick of it. I'm only 19, I have the right to be indecisive and not know what I want in life.

I don't think I wanna be a psychology major anymore, and if I'm not gonna be a therapist, that makes me wonder why I'm even going to school, cuz that's what I thought I wanted to do with my life since I was 15. I'm thinking about changing my major to english, but that still doesn't change the fact that I'm just plain sick of school, which is something I've never been, not even in high school.

And I'm sick of Montana. I love and adore my friends here and I love the freedom here compared to the freedom I have when I live with my parents, but I just don't belong here. I am born and bred a California Girl, and as much as that comes with a huge stereotype, I am proud of it. California girls aren't meant to live in cold places, we need the sunshine and the warmth and the beach.

I miss my friends.

My mother is increasingly confusing me lately. she said that I should move back to california when my uncle posted on my wall bragging about how cal poly beat our football team and i said that cali is better then montana in more then one way. Her response was "move back then." and I have no clue if she was being sarcastic, meant it, or is just sick of hearing how badly I want to move back home.

I know now that I definitely want to move back to California to stay. Montana isn't the place for me, and I just don't fit in, as much as I love everyone I've met here. 

Now all I gotta work on is saving money, getting a car, getting back to California (I've decided to at least finish up the school year here), and then getting a job and a place of my own, because I don't want to live with my parents again. I'll be 20 by the time I move back, and as much as I love and miss them, me and my parents will not get along at all after me being moved out for 2 years and then coming back. They will treat me like I am still in high school, and no way in hell will I stand for it, especially not by then.

Well I gotta go, I have to close the library in 15 minutes, then go back to my dorm and go to sleep.

Peace and much Love,

Paige